Throughout my childhood I had no problem in believing that there was a god until pastors at two churches I attended honed in on a topic that persuaded me at 18 years old to reach a tipping point and become atheist.
During my teenage years I attended church youth services weekly at two different churches. I thoroughly enjoyed the services, particularly the discussions about dealing with life challenges. However, one topic that was continuously brought up greatly bothered me, and that was how to know when one truly believes in god.
At one church I attended it was common that people would raise their hands during worship and speak in tongues (or as I say, speak gibberish). I remember the pastor would say to the congregation, “Do not fear what others think of you. Let the Lord speak through you.”
I interpreted his words as meaning true believers speak in tongues, while those who are fearful (not actual true believers) do not. Try as I may, I could not get wrapped up in the moment and speak in tongues. Perhaps, I thought, I am not cut out for this? Perhaps I am not a true believer?
A pastor at the other church I attended spoke about what people do in the morning when they truly believe in god. He said, “If you truly believe in god you will jump out of bed in the morning praising God!” But I’ll be honest, I always woke up groggy in the morning wishing I could stay in bed. Then I would rush out the door because I slept in late. God was never on my mind in the morning.
Over time I began to feel guilty because I was not meeting the expectations of a “true believer.” One day I acknowledged I felt guilty, and immediately felt a sense of anger. I questioned why should I feel guilty over this when life is so short? How am I supposed to live life to the fullest when the thought of being a “true believer” is always hanging over me?
At that point I just decided to take the burden off my shoulder completely by dropping belief in a higher spirit altogether. I no longer had to ponder if I am living my life according to expectations. It was a feeling of relief to no longer think about it.
Since then I have realized that I technically could have continued believing in a higher spirit by distancing myself from what the pastors said and just lived according to my personal interpretation. But this then had me question the pastors, which was also conflicting for me.
Now I am over 30 years old. My life has been fulfilling and I am happy with where I stand with my understanding of the world.
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Lauren Ell grew up in a secular Christian household in Southern California. She became atheist at 18 years old, but maintained appreciation for her Christian upbringing. She is an outspoken atheist speaker and networker, and founder of a number of atheist-oriented organizations, such as Republican Atheists, Atheist Moms and Atheists We Are.