How I began to call myself a Christian atheist

I was raised in what I call a “secular Christian household” in Southern California during the ’90s and 2000s. I was taught that Jesus Christ is son of God, but beyond that my family was considerably secular and did not practice religion regularly.

My mother was a moderate Christian who occasionally took my siblings and me to church, while my father never espoused belief in a higher spirit and stayed home when we went to church on Sundays. For the longest time I assumed he was atheist, though in recent years he has noted he believes there is an “energy” in the universe.

My family was not regular church goers, and we never read the bible or prayed at home. My extended family members, such as my grandparents and aunt and uncle (on my mom’s side), were regular church goers and more religious-oriented, but even they had regular cable TV in their homes and their children listened to secular music.

I actually became more religious-oriented in high school when my friends invited me to a church youth group and I became a regular attendee. I enjoyed having a place to go outside of school and appreciated the uplifting messages the church offered, some of which I remember to this day. I even went with a church group on a week-long mission trip to Mexico and attended a large Christian music festival. I did not find the churches dogmatic at all, but rather modern and welcoming.

When I was 18 I moved abroad and did not connect with a church, and started to ponder a primary conflict I had with pastors at the churches I had previously attended, which I will write about in another blog. As a result, I decided to lift the burden of conflict and questioning off my shoulders, and became atheist.

I had stumbled upon the term atheist in the past, and at that moment when I was 18 being atheist made the most sense to me. I was hit with confusion, though, in regards to how I should react to my family, whom at the time I considered to be very religious (clearly from the above paragraphs I now consider them to be quite secular). Should I cut ties with them? Should I step outside of the room when they pray?

As time went on, I realized I love my family and that it would be ridiculous for me to cut ties wit them over differences in beliefs or make our gatherings awkward because I believe differently. Over time they became aware that I am atheist, and have accepted me. Maintaining a healthy relationship with my religious family members played an important role in me maintaining a level of appreciation for my Christian background.

Ultimately, my life did not change much when I became atheist. I was still much of the same person I was before, with many of the same values I had when I was Christian.

I did not know anything about the US atheist community at the time, or that it already had a presence in the United States (this was mid-2000s). I did not know about the organization American Atheists or people like Richard Dawkins. I gradually began learning about atheist groups through websites like Meetup.com and social media, and communicated with a few groups to a degree.

In the beginning I assumed other atheists would be understanding and intellectual people, but as I began connecting with them I found many of them to be obsessed with criticizing religion or ostracizing members from their groups who did not think exactly like the majority. I also did not find most of them to be empathetic people, but rather closed people who were quick to insult others.

I started to notice that I missed the church gatherings I used to attend during my teen years, as well as the discussions about life challenges, motivation and values. I realized I appreciate many things the Christian church offered, and that I wanted to continue to associate with Christianity to a degree, which led me to call myself a Christian atheist.

I have considered that when I return to the United States I will seek a church that is similar to the churches I had previously attended that offer discussions about life. I understand there is a good chance I will become annoyed with a church if the conversations purely evolve around god, so I am not sure if I will be a regular attendee, but it is still something I am curious about.

I do look forward to connecting with more atheists who relate to me, in regards to identifying as a Christian atheist or having a level of appreciation for religion. I know missing church is becoming a more common discussion among atheists because they too have become disenfranchised with the atheist community and long for the solace that the church offered.